NICKNAMES: Asshole, Satan Reincarnate, Hitler, Hellcat
LOOKING FOR: Human(s) with whom I can “settle down.” I have been told at my age I should have one or two of you by now. Why I do not, I have no clue. Idiots.
• Dogs. They are stupid and easily manipulated.
• Faucets. I require all of my water to be fresh, preferably spring-fed straight into your home’s plumbing.
• Ice cream. If you dare eat ice cream in front of me, I must get every other spoonful. If you are lactose-intolerant, please continue scrolling. I have no time for you.
• Catnip. Only socially and in moderation.
• Blankets. Freshly washed. Steam pressed. For my constant lounging leisure.
• Being told how pretty I am. All of my photos have #nofilter. If you want any more pictures of me, I will have to charge. Catnip is not cheap.
• Birds. They are like tiny sky wizards just asking to be mauled.
• Other cats. I am not looking for polyamory, and I am offended you would suggest it.
• Small children. Keep your noisy crotch-fruit away from me. I will bite them.
• Meow Mix cat treats. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, offer me these foul pellets. You will be sorry.
• A dirty litter box. I require my boxes (yes, plural) to be scooped on the reg. And by that, I mean every day. I will not use a soiled box like a common peasant.
• Closed doors. The home is my temple, and I expect to be welcomed into every room with open arms.
MORE ABOUT ME: I have been told I suffer from chronic RBF. I went on Urban Dictionary (which was perturbing, to say the least) and found out that means “Resting Bitch Face.” Despite my facial plight, I am quite friendly and do provide a large amount of affection to the right human. I am not active. I maintain this body without cardio, because I have been #blessed. I have been told I hold grudges easily, but any idiot knows the difference between holding a grudge and simply having a good memory.
HOW TO CONTACT: If you would like to inquire about setting up a first date to see if you meet my rigorous standards, please e-mail my agent through this page It’s a busy life and she’s the only one I trust to screen out the inadequate. Bring tuna or salmon. NO CHICKEN. It’s the common-cat’s meat.